Wednesday, 6 August 2014


The best accessory is a cute niece or two.

I reunited with a couple of my favourite kitties after my stay at l'hopital and we immediately got to talking about cute doctors and how it pays to be prepared if you happen to require a visit to Emergency early one morning. You most certainly do not want to be caught, say, getting a colonoscopy when you had to cancel your Brazilian* two days prior.

So, without further adieu, here is Mel's Guide to Checking into Emergency:

1. Don't go until you get a Brazilian. Duh.

2. Wear underwear.

3. Arrive at Emergency just after two twenty year-olds yell at the admitting nurse because she advised them that eating a bag of Doritos will probably not help them with their "sugar" crash. An apologetic thirty-something with side pain will get the VIP Treatment.

4. Eat delicious food that is generously brought in by visitors so you're not so deprived when you're suddenly told you have to go on a "clear-liquid" diet.

5. Swing by the Apple store and buy an iPad. Seriously. That thing SAVED me. While lying in Emergency, I could quickly search the crap the doctors were throwing my way. Who needs a second opinion when you have Dr. Google? It's totes legit if the Mayo clinic says it is.

6. On that note, spend the $20 for week-long hospital WIFI. (SIDENOTE: Can we discuss how hotels charge $20 PER DAY? Who's joining my movement?) My Happy Endings marathon on Netflix is what kept me from crying myself to sleep at night. (Okay, there was only one night I came close to that and it was on WORST NIGHT AT THE HOSPITAL EVER night)

7. Wear flip flops. MUCH cleaner than wearing around the socks they give you. Ew.

8. Eavesdrop. The doctors will seriously just stand outside your door in a group and consult with each other. It's great. Sometimes I would hear phrases tossed around such as "in-shape" and "otherwise healthy" and I'd be glowing. It might have been because I would try and lie in strategically flattering positions in case cute doctors visited, but I'll take it! At that point, I would have taken a compliment on my nail polish colour. I never heard "wino" or "not sure if she understands what 'social drinker' actually means", sooooo I'm feeling pre-tay, pre-tay good here, Folks.

I hope that, if you ever end up in Emergency -- like, not via a car accident sans arm or anything...just when you complain to your mom in a text that you've had bad side pain for 8 hours straight and, in twelve minutes minutes flat, your dad arrives at your Kits condo from Langley to take you to the hospital (I'll ignore the fact that there were fresh Starbucks in the cup holders) -- you think about my advice. If anything, just do number one. Eight days without underwear was actually kind of liberating.

*I realize, TD, you would have stepped up to the plate had I asked. A Hospital Brazilian-Pedi combo would have been interesting....